MAN TO MAN: Entering Into the Emotional World of a Woman
Fr. James Farfaglia December 16, 2009
Now that many people are purchasing and reading my new book, “Man to Man: a real priest speaks to real men about marriage, sexuality and family life”, perhaps it is time to start some good discussions about what I have written. Let’s begin with an important topic.Men need to understand that the emotional life of women is different than their own emotional world. Moreover, men need to know how to enter into that emotional world. At the same time, women need to understand that the emotional world of men is different than their own. They need to know how to understand that world as well.
Dr. John Gray, PhD., in his famous book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, describes six primary love needs of women and men. He says that women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. Men, on the other hand, need to receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement (cf. pp 141-157). It is interesting to note that these primary love needs are reciprocal.
When a husband shows by his behavior that he makes his relationship with his wife the highest priority in his life, she feels validated by his love. And then she in turn responds with the love and devotion that he desires.
A woman thrives on devotion. She loves to be adored. For women, being remembered on birthdays and anniversaries signals her husband’s continuing love for her. Unexpected gifts, flowers and other signs of affection are things that a woman really thrives on. When a wife experiences the true devotion of her husband, she will provide him with the admiration he requires.
Furthermore, a husband must never assume that his wife’s primary love needs are being satisfied. He must reassure her of his love. His behavior must express that she is being loved continually. When this happens, a wife will give her husband the encouragement that he needs. A wife’s encouragement provides her husband with the hope and the courage that he needs to fulfill his demanding roles of husband and father.
There is nothing more beautiful than the kindness, tenderness and affection that young men and women show each other when they are truly in love. Their expressions of love during their courtship, engagement and first years of marriage are signs of true Christian love.
However, as the years pass by, many men overlook this important dimension of their relationship with their wives. While neglected love may wither and decline, well nourished, love does not decrease or die. Love flourishes.
Ronald Reagan gave every man a shining example how a man should love his wife. His devotion to Nancy was remarkable. They were always in love and he showed his unwavering devotion through many daily expressions of kindness, tenderness and affection.
Reagan was not an effeminate man. He was a real man. He was physically strong, loved to work with his hands on his California ranch, and he was a man of deep immovable Christian principles. Within his clear masculinity, he knew how to display the most amazing qualities of a truly refined gentleman
Catholic men really need to grasp the importance of being gentlemanly at all times. Random acts of kindness such as holding a door for your wife, opening the car door as she gets in, or holding her chair as she sits down to eat, are all things a refined Catholic gentleman should always do. And at the same time, he provides an effective role model for his children.
All men know that women like to talk. Studies have shown that a women’s brain has a greater capacity for conversation than a man’s brain. A woman’s ability to converse is part of her femininity. Through conversation she builds social relationships within the family and with the community. More than that, by participating in a meaningful exchange of ideas, she confirms her perception of herself as a person of worth.
One of the most important acts of kindness that a husband can show his wife is to listen to what she is saying. Married men need to understand that their wives need to talk to them and just as importantly, have the person they love attend to their interests and concerns.
A man may consider what his wife has to say as irrelevant, useless, or unimportant. Gentlemen, everything that your wife has to say is very important to her. Learn to listen. Every night, put aside at least thirty minutes to an hour for conversation time. Make sure that the kids are in bed and turn off the television. Intimate moments of deep, honest conversation will usually lead to meaningful moments of affection and physical intimacy.
Recently, a friend of mine who gave me a lot of ideas for my new book, “Man to Man”, told me a very touching story that illustrates the point of our discussion. One night, he and his wife were together in their bed. Rather than falling asleep after a long day of work, they simply began to talk for hours. “Let’s make love tonight”, my friend said as he turned to his wife. After a long moment of silence his wife began to cry. Turning to him with tenderness she said, “We already have”.
This article is appearing on the Theology of the Body Channel on Catholic Exchange.
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